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It’s been years since I’ve seen a movie in a first run movie theater. There are many reasons for this. There prices are far to high, they get mad when you bring your own food, there are other people in the theater that can’t read the no talking signs, people bring cell phones with then into the movie, and 99.9% of movies made suck harder than a Oreck. These reasons have kept my wife and I away from the theaters.

For valentines this year we decided on dinner and a movie. So we got dressed up and went to a fancy restaurant. The food was quality, and the price reflected that. Afterwards we went to the movies to see Juno. I was shocked that it cost $18.50 for two movie tickets. That’s insane! The DVD will cost less than that when it’s released. No wonder the movie industry is losing so much money, people can’t afford to see their movies.

Now I don’t know if I’m just getting old, or if kids are dumber these days, but watching the two girls and the guy try to text message and answering their phones during the movie did nothing to improve the experience. Maybe it’s because I never got into cell phones. Of course when I was growing up pagers were the cool thing, and I always thought they were dumb. Why would I want something that would pull me away from what I wanted to do and instruct me to call in to parents? That seems retarded to me. Plus cell phones are nothing more than a status symbols. I’d rather my low cost VW be a symbol of my status.

The movie itself was great! Juno tells the story of a 16 year old who gets pregnant and decides to give the kid to a family who are unable to have kids. I lucked out with this movie because Jennifer Garner wasn’t in it for very long. She sucks and should return to waiting tables at a local Radison restaurant.

So I’m done with theaters for another year or two. By then I might have saved enough for 2 tickets and a popcorn…..a small popcorn.

We all know that Hollywood expects us movie watchers to suspend our disbelief for the duration of their movie, but sometimes they just take it too far and break one of the following real life facts and force us out of the movie world and back in to the real world so we can turn to the people next to us and say “That would never happen in real life.”

1. Hacking doesn’t occur in virtual cyber worlds.  It takes place on normal computers running software that looks like any other program you run.  In fact some hacking takes place in text only environments (gasp)!
2. The hot girl never goes after the ugly guy at the end of the day based only on his heart of gold.  In the real world the ugly guy would count his blessings if he left with a handshake or a head nod.
3. You can’t pickup a guitar and play it like Eddie Van Halen in only a few weeks/months.  Regardless of how many hours you practice per day, 2 weeks is not enough time for you to perfectly play the solo to Eruption at your school dance.
4. Prom parties never involve everyone getting naked….yeah, I’m disappointed too.
5. There is only 1 school dance they people actually go to, The Prom.  All others are attended only by the geeks, nerds, dorks, and the faculty.  So if you attend thinking you’re going to get lucky, you’re out of luck…unless you do get lucky, in which case the statutory rape charges may result in a new Latin teacher next 9 weeks.
6. Cops don’t care that much.  Real cops aren’t going to risk their life to save the son of a corporate CEO’s cousin’s friend.  They have more important things to worry about, like using a taser on college kids and killing 90 year women who don’t open their front doors when told to at 3am.
7. Kids are dumb.  They don’t know how to hack PINs from ATMs.  They don’t know how to instantly use UNIX to lock out raptors.  They can’t look at crossword puzzles and instantly see a code.  They’re kids!  They eat mud, they hide under blankets for protection.
8. Not everyone is a genius.  I know that you can’t take an iPod and parts from a scanner and make a screen reader.  I know I can’t do it either.  In fact I know that there is only a handful of people who could do that.  In fact, there is only a handful of people who could even image that.  Building odd/miraculous devices from common items only pans out on Junkyard Wars, never in a hostage situation involving your wife and kids.
9. Bad guys train to shoot well.  The bad guys don’t train for months/years for something and skip over target practice.  There is a reason they always have guns, because they know how to use them, and use them well.
10. Not all religious people are Catholic.  There are a lot of religious people out there, I’m one of them.  Not all of them are Catholic; again, I’m one of them.  I’ve only been to a Catholic church once, and I didn’t even see any secret passages hidden behind the crucifix.  Although to be honest I didn’t look that hard.

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I’ve now joined the masses and watched the first season of Lost. It turns out that some of my original ideas were incorrect.

I originally thought they were on Jurassic Park. It turns out they are not. So…where are they? I dunno. And I’m not any closer to knowing that than I was when I thought they were on Jurassic Park. I suppose the only answer to this is that they are on an island.

I also learned that the man Jake kept seeing was not the owner, it was his father. Why Jake saw him I don’t know. Why the brother saw his sister die, only to find he alive I don’t know. Why Locke saw his mother on the island pointing to the plane crash I don’t know. This seems to be the one constant regarding Lost. Not only are the characters lost on an island, but I’m lost watching it. The show presents answers to questions I don’t know to ask. It shows relationships that I don’t understand. And it explains situations that I don’t comprehend. But it seems that the foundation of questions will slowly be addressed as the show continues.

Now, bring on season 2 cause I’m addicted!

Okay, I admit it. I’m a bad person. I’m a disgrace to Americans everywhere. I’ve never seen an episode of Lost.

It’s not that I avoided the show, it’s just that other stuff got in the way. Sometimes I was at church and missed it. Sometimes I was out with friends and missed it. Sometimes I didn’t even realize it was on and missed it. Either way, for four seasons I’ve seen nothing and know only that people are on an island.

This week I borrowed the season 1 DVDs from a friend and thus far have watched the first four episodes from Disc 1. Here are my thoughts.

They are lampooned on Jurassic Park
It appears that the survivors of the crash have landed on a park filled with dinosaurs.

The owner of the island wears a suit and can hide well
It seems the owner of this island wears a pin stripe suit and is well versed at not only hiding, but hiding quickly. Perhaps he’s a ninja or some sort?

Every airplane has passengers in every stereotypical clique.
It never fails to surprise me that all classes, races, and cliques are represented on shows like this. Why is there always a white guy who acts like a leader, a white guy with a chip on his shoulder, and a hot white chick who does nothing? Are their airline rules on this?

Airline: I’m sorry everyone, but this flight has been canceled. We didn’t meet our hot, spoiled, white chick quota for the flight for just in case we crash one can survive and be eye candy.

Something weird is happening.
The old lady who the doctor said he would watch over said that her husband survived and he thinks they are dead. Her entire speech made no sense what so ever, so I suppose later on it will become relevant.

Overall I’m enjoying the show. It’s different enough to not be a copy of Castaway, and it’s weird enough for me to like it. Are any of y’all Lost fans?

Science Fiction movies are known for their cool special effects, other worldly exploits, and space wars. Unfortunately some stand out not for their plots and acting, but for the products and inventions that make their plots work with only minimal suspension of disbelief. These are the Three Worst Science Fiction Movie Inventions.

3. The Ray Gun/Laser Rifle/Blaster/Phaser
No matter what you call it in your movie, it has the same effect on your actors. It turns them from a space hero who is willing to fight for what be believes by blowing stuff into a million pieces to a space hero who wants to avoid a fight by shooting you with a beam of light that will either make you fall over as if you had a heart attack or make you vanish into thin air. The normal gun is so much cooler! It’s loud. It’s violent. It makes you bleed. The Phaser is small, girly, and makes the sound of air escaping from your butt during those times you’re trying to squeeze and hold it in.

Not to mention the fact that Sci-Fi movies have found 1000 different ways to hack the ray gun to do things that make no since for it to do. Need to drill a hole in that wall? Lets hack the ray gun to do it! Need to destroy the sun? Lets hack the ray gun to do it! Need a spermicide? Lets hack the ray gun to do it!

What movie genre should be using this technology: Mob Movies
Think about it. If you shoot someone, it leaves no hole in their chest, it doesn’t burn them, in fact the victim looks like they simply fell over. Mobsters would surely love this technology. It would make their line of work less messy.

2. Talking Computers
Have you ever surfed to a site that had that dumb fake person that wants you to type stuff into the box and it will say it back to you? Have you ever tried it and thought, “Hey, that’s amazing! I wish my computer would always talk to me like this.” Yeah, nor have I. So why do future computers always talk? In the time it takes for it to tell that that a missile is about to destroy your ship, you’ve already been hit and am watching the event unfold in the afterlife. All because you accidentally set the computer voice to “Indian tech support pretending to be American.”

The talking computer is also a cheap way to give the computer more powers than it should have. It allows for the computer to be self aware, play tic-tac-toe with you, and get you lost in space. With all the technology it must take to make the computer understand your talking and speak in return to you, you would think they could at least make it sound like a real person. The computer always sounds like a robot. No matter how sophisticated that computer technology is, the voice always sounds like William Shatner. Like it is having to think of what to say one…word…at…a…time.

What movie genre should be using this technology: Comedy Movies
You know that you’ve told your computer to say dirty words. Everyone has had a few laughs from having their computer tell you to go screw yourself. Now just imagine a movie that does this for an hour and a half. That would be comedy gold!

1. Computer interface without instructions
Imagine that you’ve never used a standard qwerty keyboard before. You may have seen others use it in the past, but not enough to know what the keys are/do. If you were to sit in from of a keyboard would you be able to type out the first 10 lines of Amazing Grace with no errors? Didn’t think so. So why can Sci-Fi people use computers with no marks indicating what the keys are with such precision? In fact they do so without them even being set to some standard. That’s hardcore! They can see 1000 different types of keyboards, button and switch boards, and command centers and instantly know which button operates the bidet built into the seat cushion.

What movie genre should be using this technology: Horror Movies
Ever notice that in Horror Movies the girls in bikinis never know how to operate the one device that can save them from the psycho maniac with the axe? If they had the knowledge to use the device then the world’s population of sexy blonds willing to do a topless scene would grow 10 fold overnight. Although they still wouldn’t want anything to do with you computer guys.

I’ve tried numerous times to come up with this list, and after months of consideration, 14 group meetings, 2 weekend retreats, and one crossword puzzle, I think I have the 3 Worst Movies Ever Made list.

3. The Goonies

I realize you grew up watching this. I know it has a chunk size spot in your heart, but have you watched in since 1985? The movie is terrible! It is as if The Bad News Bears and Indiana Jones had sex, but it turned out they were actually related, so their kid ended up being a little retarded.

You know you’re movie is in trouble when Corey Feldman isn’t the most annoying person in your movie. Spielberg must of had to hold casting calls for 2 years to find Data. He is the single reason I hate kids in movies.

I’ve been told numerous times that as a child of the eighties I should embrace this movie and love it more than Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, but that simply hasn’t happened. No nostalgia will ever make this movie watchable. I’d rather watch 13 episodes of Pinwheel than ever have to sit through The Goonies again.

The draw of this movie obviously passed me when I entered school, and if you miss the window of opportunity to get into it, you’re out.

Current Equivalent:
Spy Kids, except with dumber, fatter kids.

2. Dogma

I know one of the commandments of movie gurus is Thou shall not make fun of Kevin Smith, but I can’t allow this sin to go unpunished.

Dogma is an unwatchable pile of nothing. It’s like Good Will Hunting, but there is more sexual tension between Damon and Affleck. Rickman tries his best to bring the movie up to a watchable status, but the movie never takes off. Which is sad, because Smith’s earlier movies were so good.

Smith also had the misfortune of what may go down in history as the worst casting call ever made, next to who ever thought Tom Cruise could act well enough to play a straight guy. He put Chris Rock in a movie roll. Chris Rock! Chris Rock doesn’t belong in movies, be belongs on stage doing stand up. Where did the notion that stand up comedians should all be able to act? Rock easily proves this idea is false and takes this movie to a whole new level of suckage.

Current Equivalent:
Jesus Camp. It seems the hot ticket in entertainment these days is mocking Christianity. But Atheists better watch out, they’ll make fun of your god next…no, wait.

1. Bring It On

If ever there were a movie that would force all watchers to commit suicide,Bring it on would be that movie. It is physically painful to watch, mainly because you’ll start to slit your wrists 6 minutes into the movie.

The gist of the movie is that a bunch of cheerleaders strive to prove once and for all that white people can dance. In the end, they show that we can’t.

I kept waiting for the serial killer to come out and start hacking people down, but a few minutes into Bring it on I realized there were no men in this film that wanted to get that close to a female. Which is sad because Eliza Dushku is in the film.

Current Equivalent:
Bring it on 4. These movies really are turning into a serial killer franchise. They simply won’t end it.

The wife and I were at Target the other day looking at DVDs.  I was looking under their Comedy section and what did I find?  World Trade Center.  Strangely no one around me found it funny, so I laughed alone.

So, The Office season 3 DVDs are out! Get them while they’re overpriced! I just got back from Target where I purchased mine and when I went to grab the box I saw there were two editions!

It seems that Target has an exclusive DVD boxset that you can only purchase there and only have to pay $5 more for. I was curious what they felt was worth $5 more. It turns out, almost nothing! They offer additional footage of a Q&A session with the cast, which is probably already on youtube, and a copy of the script for the first episode of season 4.

Let me get this straight. For $5 I get a Q&A session with select cast members and I get to spoil the first episode of the new season? Oh well then, bring it on! Nevermind that I’ve been waiting patiently for months for the new season to start, two week before the big show, I’ll just read the script and skip the start of the season. No need to waste my time since I’ll know what’s going to happen.

NBC and Target, give me a break. If you want 5 more bucks out of my pocket you are going to have to come up with something better than that. Or better yet, just give me one edition to buy! What is it will all of you conglomerates releasing no less than 36 editions of everything? Are you so full of greed that you think that you can milk us for all every cent by releasing special editions one deleted scene at a time? Screw that!

Now if you would be so kind to release Pete & Pete season 3 and the Parker Lewis Cant’ Lose series I’d be most happy.

I was reading Telewatcher’s comments on the MTV Video Music Awards andfound that I couldn’t help but to laugh. The shear fact that the MTV still believes it is important enough in the music industry that it should still play host to an award show for music videos is hilarious.

The problem comes that MTV has changed their focus. They are no longer Music Television, they are now crappy teen pseudo-reality spoiled brat worship the rich television. They no longer are the face of music! I’d be willing to bet that the first time some of the videos winning awards were ever shown on MTV was when they won the award. It’s no longer what MTV stands for. Sure they can claim that they insert cutting edge music into their other shows, but I for one will not watch a show dedicated to some idiot 16 year old have a half million dollar birthday party just to hear the background music that plays for 15 seconds during the scene she’s crying because she wanted her Bentley to be red but got black.

MTV, I’m sure you’ve heard this hundreds of times, but I’ll say it again. YOU SUCK! You’ve lost your focus. You were once relevant, but now you’re a punchline. You are a joke to anyone with more than 5 brain cells. Which coincidentally, leaves out anyone who would listen to the music you are paid to put on TRL anyway.